Accessing One’s Inner Child:

Healing from Codependency and/or Imposter Syndrome

What exactly is codependency? Is it the same as imposter syndrome? And how do I heal from codependency?

Codependency is a learned strategy for when someone, often a young person, experiences their needs not being taken care of. The little one’s needs are overrun by the caregiver’s needs, or become less important, so the child learns to care for the parent. Virginia Satir said it exceptionally well, “In healthy families, the caregivers are there to meet the needs of the children. In dysfunctional families, the children are there to meet the needs of the adults.”

“Quit your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” is a common strategy or way to respond to an upset child in a stressful situation. Overtime, when a child hears this enough, they come up with another way to respond to their own nervous system dysregulation, they often try to take care of the caregiver. This is a brilliant and kind way for the little one to try and help the situation, they tune away from what they need and focus on trying to calm down the parent. This works well except when it crosses over to a point at which the little one is unaware of how they feel and or unaware of what they need. This is a learned strategy of a little one that works well until it doesn’t. It becomes consequential, where the person feels lost, confused, and unable to ask for help. So often clients come into the office, and are stumped by the question: what is it that you need?

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Additionally, codependency can also look like needlessness. “I’ll do it myself” or “by the time I show you how to do this I would already have it done.” For this person, their co-dependency or imposter syndrome tells them they cannot trust or rely on anyone and that it is not OK to ask for help.

Codependency and imposter syndrome shows up as kind, helpful, and very hopeful until it crosses a line into resentment and consequence. An example of this is when I met my husband, and I fell in love I was delighted to help him figure out birthday and holiday gifts for his extended family. After a year or two, this switched from me being helpful and fun to me being resentful and it was consequential in our relationship.

Healing from codependency is the process of unpacking how this behavior came to be. It is not intended to bash caregivers, instead it’s an opportunity to tune in to one’s own experience and unravel the times and places one lost (and loses) their ability to advocate or speak into how they feel and what they need for themselves.

When clients begin to tap into the part of them that has difficulty advocating for themselves, this is often their inner child, or a part of them that is unknown, an afraid part, or the imposter part. On the healing journey, the client gets to know these different parts of themselves and learn how to advocate rather than stonewalling, creating a scene, or operating from the perspective of the scared part, or imposter part. The healing shows up when a person is able to advocate for themselves, not have to apologize for needing something and showing up in a right sized way. They no longer have to “make a stink” or “create a scene” to get someone’s attention. They no longer have to give someone the silent treatment for 48 hours to make a point. These are examples of a scared part or an imposter part taking over unconsciously, and in a dysregulated way.

Doing parts work, inner child work, and healing from codependency builds bandwidth and compassion for one’s own story and for others’ story. One develops an ability to listen without reacting, judging or losing one’s mind. It’s in this ability to tune in that one’s own nervous system can stay calm while tuning into another person and not feel as if they have to fix it, rescue it or figure it out. It is literally a pathway to connection while feeling seen and heard.