Perfectionism

I was reading a book the other night that I often read on and off, without any real consistency. Melody Beattie’s “The Language of Letting Go”, is a book of daily meditations on codependency. I hadn’t opened the book in a while, and I was hopping around to read the meditations from random dates, and the thought popped into my head that I should look at the meditation for my birth date. It felt as if my higher power was encouraging me to look at this specific meditation because it was about perfectionism and letting go, allowing our humanness to be a part of the equation. 

I’ve been working on my own perfectionism over this past year and this reading hit hard for me. I thought back to something that happened earlier in the week, when I told my husband I would communicate something to our babysitter and I never actually did it. It ended up that my mistake caused some chaos for their family. When I learned that that happened, I felt the familiar feeling of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and an overall feeling of being bad. I sat with that feeling for a while, and called the babysitter to apologize for the mistake. However, I did not check in with my inner child, my little girl, and support her, letting her know it was okay that a mistake was made...letting her know that her worthiness or enoughness was not impacted at all by the mistake that was made.  When I thought about this over the next few days, that same feeling came back into my stomach and my negative, harsh, critical self talk began. “I can’t believe you did this again” “Why do you always do this?” “She must be so mad that her daughter had to miss soccer practice because of you.”  The reality is, I didn’t intend for anything bad to happen, and there are going to be times that I don’t live my life perfectly. Here is a quote from this meditation that I have looked at every day since: 

“Our expectations need to be reasonable. Expecting perfection is not reasonable.”

Below is a journal entry that I wrote to connect with my little girl and let her know that none of this was her fault. Writing to my inner child is a way for me to be able to connect back with myself and tell this part of me what she needs to hear to ease her fear of not being good enough. 

Dear Little Me, 

I felt you trying to communicate with me last week when I found out that my mistake had caused someone else to suffer consequences. I was in the middle of working when all of that happened and couldn’t attend to your needs at that moment, and I’m sorry for not checking back in with you later that night when I had more time. To be honest, I wanted to avoid facing those feelings and pretend that if I didn’t give them the time of day, they would go away. I know this is not how it works and avoiding my feelings means I am ignoring you; so, I am sorry I handled the situation the way I did. I never ever want you to feel ignored. I want you to know that you are enough. You don’t have to prove anything, achieve anything, or exceed certain expectations in order to be enough. You are enough simply because you are you.  Your feelings are valid and I am learning how to feel, hear, and support those feelings so that you feel seen and heard. I love you, sweet girl, and I will be more present for you, listen to your needs and respond to those needs.

Love, Me

If you are connecting with this, please reach out for support. You are not alone, and you don’t have to heal alone!

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With love,

Chelsie Ciminelli