What’s On My Horizon?

Anticipatory grief is a term used to describe the emotions we feel when we know a difficult loss may be coming. This can happen when we think a relationship is ending, when a loved one has an illness, when a transition is coming, or there is the possibility of a pandemic returning. This type of grief can be confusing because the event hasn’t occurred, yet we may feel “off” or overwhelmed. It can show up as anxiety, exhaustion, agitation, or a clouded mind and we may have a hard time pinpointing the cause of these symptoms. I view this anticipation as our brain’s attempt to brace, protect, and prepare ourselves for the event by processing it ahead of time. 

Often I hear the possibly misguided message of “I will think about that when it comes.” There is a difference between living in the present moment and plain old denial. I believe that my Higher Power gifted humans with the foresight of anticipating events so that we can begin preparing for them. Working with anticipatory grief is not putting yourself through the event twice. That’s rumination and catastrophizing. Working with anticipatory grief is using the gifts I’ve been given to predict a probable future and decide how I want to cope with that. 

To be in denial about an upcoming loss or transition leaves us as risk for coping with the loss in harmful ways.

Imagine two scenarios: 

Scenario One: I know the loss of my marriage is likely. I begin therapy, in hopes that I can either prevent it or cope when it does come. I process the marriage and things that happened before the marriage that were unresolved. I get connected to a women’s group and gain support. I begin implementing a self-care routine of exercise, spiritual practices, support meetings, and saying no to commitments that don’t honor me. The end of the marriage comes. I am devastated, but I have skills. I don’t really want to speak to anyone, but the support I’ve built checks on me anyway. I don’t feel like getting out of bed but I go to my regular exercise class and try to get some movement in anyway. I don’t try to shop, drink, or date it away. I let the emotions come and I process it in therapy. I’m clear about what I want and need and I respond in a way that makes me feel proud when I have to attend dreaded meetings with divorce lawyers.  

Scenario Two: I try not to think about my marriage ending. I was taught to only live in the moment and just be positive.  I try to exercise more, eat less, and be better. I stay out of therapy because I don’t see how looking at the past has any value. I don’t build a support network around me. I still talk to and hang around unhealthy people. The end of the marriage comes and I am knocked sideways. I feel alone, I’m unsure how to cope with these overwhelming emotions. I shop a lot. I drink more. I’m often embarrassed by the messages I send to my ex, and I check his social media often. I go to work and pretend nothing has happened, but I’m making mistakes and don’t really want to be there anymore. Eventually, after I have tried to cope with it myself for months, I call a therapist. It helps, and I’m proud of myself, but I still wish I had started the journey sooner, so I didn’t harm myself unnecessarily. 

To give yourself the gift of space to process the possibilities and decide how you might want to respond and cope is a wonderful act of self care. There is no need to wait until after an event occurs to get support. Working to process the events and plan how you can take care of yourself if and when the event happens allows for the possibility of less “fallout” when it does occur.

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Love,  Jessica