Defining Myself To Get Closer With My Partner
Most people know they want life to be different, or they want their relationship to change but they rarely know what needs to change or how to make that happen. They just know their life or relationship feels bad or like something is missing. I hear “I can’t take this anymore”, “I want something different”, or “it’s got to change.”
When people ask me how to improve their relationship, they are often surprised to hear one of the solutions is for both partners to have a defined sense of self. In society, books, movies, even in some religions we are taught enmeshment where what we want, need, and desire is given up to make the other person happy. When we cross our own boundaries, give up having needs, learn to medicate our feelings, or put others first all the time, our sense of self erodes away.
We are also taught that one person is supposed to meet all our needs. Our partner is expected to become our friend group, the regulator or fixer of our emotions, spiritual teacher, distraction and solution when we are bored, the list goes on. However, one person could never meet all these needs for us.
Having a defined self means I have my own:
Interests and hobbies
Support system made up of friends, family, my therapist, acquaintances, contacts from support groups
Feelings
Coping skills and stress relievers
Values and beliefs
Needs, desires, hopes, and dreams
Boundaries
Ability to voice my needs and ask for what I want
Having a defined sense of self is not the same as being hyper independent, completely separate from my partner, or that my needs always trump theirs. Healthy couples also have shared interests and hobbies, shared friendships and support, some similar values and beliefs, negotiated boundaries, etc.
Without a defined sense of self there’s a high risk of struggling with fulfillment in relationships, life, and work because we are living by someone else’s idea of who we should be, how we should feel, or waiting for someone else to meet all our needs. Usually the erosion of self begins early in life when we are taught to meet the needs of society or adults. Some examples of this are: following your mother’s footsteps as a physician because it will “make the family proud”, learning how to anticipate the emotions of parents or adults, hanging out with people who say or do things you don’t find appealing in order to feel accepted, hiding your sexuality because it makes someone else uncomfortable, or attending a religious service you don’t resonate with because everyone else in town or your family does.
A defined self allows clarity around ones wants and needs and increases the ability to show up ready to take ownership in the relationship. If you’d like to learn more about how to begin this process of self-discovery to increase intimacy in your relationship give us a call.
Jessica