The Exhaustion of All or Nothing
All or nothing...
Polarized…
Rigidity...
These are all examples of how our thought patterns become distorted as a result of our past experiences. As children, we try to make sense of a world that often doesn’t make sense and attempt to figure out where we fit into the world around us. The world we live in is confusing even for adults, and as children it can be extremely overwhelming to figure out how something can be true in one instance and how that very same thing can be false in another instance. For children who experience trauma, polarized thinking is a defense mechanism or cognitive distortion. It is a way that our brains and bodies attempt to keep us safe from continuing to experience the same pain we felt during overwhelming experiences. And although this type of thinking is intended to protect us, it actually continues to perpetuate the same pain we experienced.
Always, never, perfect, failure, ruined, terrible, disaster...when I am using these words, it’s an indication that I am stuck in the polarization of my thoughts and am thinking in extremes.
When our thoughts are polarized, we are seeing the world through a very distorted lens. The world is messy, nuanced, complicated, and at times unpredictable and trying to fit our experiences into two categories is impossible. Examples of these categories can include: good or bad; happy or sad; all or nothing; right or wrong; healthy or unhealthy; hot or cold; perfection or failure. When our experiences don’t fit neatly into one side of these extremes, it is confusing and exhausting to figure out what that means for us. Trying to continually fit a square peg into a round hole will leave us feeling depleted and often induces anxiety.
To conceptualize this, I think about a continuum with one extreme on one end and the other extreme on the other end. I’ll use perfection and failure as an example because this is a very common distortion for me. When my thoughts are distorted, the only options I can see are these two outcomes. However, the reality is that there are many, many, many, more options on this continuum in between perfection and failure. These other options fall in the “grey area”.
When I am taking care of myself, prioritizing my needs, and setting healthy boundaries, I am more compassionate with myself, I am accepting of my humanness, I have grace for myself, and I feel comfortable in the grey area. I also have more capacity for creativity and flexibility when I am living in the grey area.
When I am not prioritizing my recovery, I am much more susceptible to seeing the world through my all or nothing distorted lens.
I have also been more mindful of how I communicate with my children. As I have reflected back on the messages I am sending them as they explore their world and learn new things all the time, I found myself saying “Great job buddy, that was perfect!” or something similar. More than anything, I want my children to know that it’s okay to make mistakes and to do things without the outcome being “perfect”. My intention is to let them know how proud I am of them and how much I love everything they do even if it’s messy and not “right”. However, polarized language can quickly send the message that in order to gain this approval or praise from me, they need to be “perfect”.
If this is resonating with you, please reach out, we are here to support you in finding peace in your life and building your capacity for joy, happiness, and self love.
Trusting the process,
Chelsie Ciminelli