I recently found a video of me at six years old, seemingly very engaged in whatever I was playing with. My Dad was watching a game on TV and when something happened, he yelled “uh oh!” My little head whipped around so fast and I yelled “Uh oh WHAT??!” Immersed in the game, he didn’t answer. I stopped what I was doing and kept insistently asking “uh oh what?”

This clip is a perfect example of how little ones are highly attuned to their caregivers. Little ones keep their ears, eyes, and nervous systems prickled for information from their caretakers about the world around them. This attunement is what we rely on for survival. By not getting a response after I sensed danger, I experienced misattunement with my caregiver. What is misattunement? The APA describes it as “a lack of rapport between infant and parent or caregiver such that the infant’s efforts at communication and expression are not responded to in a way that allows the infant to feel understood.”

Misattunement can happen unintentionally. Before little ones can even speak, we are given toys when we are hungry, and food when we want toys. My Dad being immersed in a game and not responding to my pleas was unintentional. Was I harmed by this one, single episode of misattunement? Maybe, maybe not. What’s much more impactful than one event is the consistent misattunement over time. When caretakers are overworked, struggle with addiction, have untreated mental illness, struggle with their own trauma, codependency, eating disorders, etc.…they tend to misattune to their little ones much more often.

Because having a caregiver that is attuned to us is key to survival, little ones begin trying harder than ever to be attuned. We become hypervigilant of what is happening for others. We become sensitive to tones of voice, what will please others and keep their emotions calm, we listen for the sound of footsteps, loud sighs, and if they “sound” angry. Over time, we learn how to anticipate these emotions and responses before the footsteps and loud sighs even happen. Little ones learn to stay out of the way, to get straight As, not show feelings. We learn to please and perfect in an effort to manage the emotions and responses of others.

Chronic misattunement results in little ones tending to the emotional states of others and stifling their own needs and emotional state. This “turning away” from myself is the birthplace of what we would call codependency in adulthood. In adulthood it might look like imposter syndrome, anxiety, perfectionism, burn out, workaholism, self-soothing with alcohol or shopping, unhealthy relationships, or an inability to identify and ask for what you need.

So how do we repair these old wounds? We heal through safe, reparative relationships. Through connection with our Inner Child. By attuning to what we want and need, not what society, our spouse, our boss, says we need. We heal through calming our nervous system that became dysregulated and hypervigilant so long ago.

To begin the journey back to yourself give us a call. We would be honored to reintroduce you to your authentic self.

With love,
Jessica

Birthplace of Codependency