October 31: My Sober Anniversary

October 31st, 1986, I was 24 and at a party with a girlfriend whose name I don't recall. My friend was a bit of a mess, unstable work history, several boyfriends, her 18 month old at home with her mom and I was her bff, or the only one who answered when she called. I remember being on someone's deck, with a beer in my hand looking at all of the people, yet not knowing any of them.

I felt alone in a crowd, and truly by the Grace of God, I heard the line in AA's 3rd Tradition, "The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking." It was this sentence that helped me believe that I was welcome. 

I had been attending some AA meetings for several weeks prior with the idea that I was "helping a friend." I would go to the meetings and listen to the information and apply it to others rather than to myself, the way a super good helper would. I would underline parts of the literature for my friend...thinking that they weren't getting it and I was being helpful. I had been introduced to other 12 step meetings, Over Eaters Anonymous and Al-Anon, and I thought I knew it all. Wow, was I mistaken!

My drinking had only minor consequences compared to the stories I heard in the rooms. I had a job, albeit, not a very good one and my hopes and dreams were unexamined. I did not drink regularly, yet whenever I drank, there was a shadow that appeared. I would do things that would scare me and were completely out of my character. I would often get sick, and occasionally, black out. I would wonder the next day, what exactly happened the night before. I would often find my car parked outside the lines of the parking lot. The thing that really concerned me was when I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw as I had lost any shred of self respect and replaced it with self loathing.

That Halloween night, I had my last drink and I started going to meetings for myself. I started working the steps and started doing lots of my own therapy. I would get to meetings early, and stay late in service work. I did 90 meetings in 90 days, and I started to feel better. A new friend encouraged me to attend Onsite workshops (at age 26) which only added to my foundation in the 12 steps. I was profoundly impacted by experiential therapy, and found it to be so life giving. It also inspired me to attend graduate school and become a therapist as I wanted to work experientially, at Onsite and in my own private practice. I had some dreams that I began to examine, and actually walk out. 

So here comes another anniversary, God willing. It blows my mind that what was once a curse and an embarrassment, meetings and recovery, have become the bedrock and foundation for all of my relationships and my career.

I feel such a profound sense of gratitude that I found recovery early, and have to thank my parents for leading the way.

They also are in recovery, and have 46 years each of living 1 day at a time. October is my favorite month of the year as it marks this cherished anniversary, and is the beginning of my intentional and abundant life.

Sheila Maitland