Your family member started therapy… how does that make you feel?
There is an abundance of information online that we all have access to at the tip of our fingers with a quick online search. Anytime we feel lost, hurt, or inspired to make even the most specific parts of our lives better in some way, we can find a website, article or paper about some self-help topic that speaks to us. This is often the first step taken before deciding to begin therapy with a helping professional. But rarely does someone talk about being the person who is married to, or the child/parent/sibling of, the person seeking help. However, it would be ridiculous to think that the family members of people who choose to enter therapy are not greatly affected by that decision. So, let’s talk about it.
Often, at some point in the therapeutic relationship, a client may bring up questions that their family members have asked them about their time in sessions. They want to know if their family member is talking about them. If so, what are they saying? Are they being blamed for the client’s distressing issues, and does the therapist think that they are all crazy and dysfunctional because of what is being said?
To start, yes, your family member is talking about you. You might be the central theme of the conversation, or you may just be a passing detail. But it is impossible to think that someone can sit down and do a deep dive into the most important aspects of their lives without talking about those they love the most. It is just not possible.
Are you being blamed? Well, maybe, especially at first. But here is one of the biggest myths that I would like to dispel— therapy is not about assigning blame.
Therapy is about cultivating a greater understanding of ourselves and how some of our unhealthy coping patterns have developed in response to things that have happened in our lives.
Humans are intrinsically social and live and grow within a family unit or other relational dynamic. Therefore, it is impossible to not be affected by the relationships in our lives as we grow and cultivate these patterns, whether they are healthy or unhealthy. So, what may feel like assigning blame is really just seeking to better understand how some things have developed in order to take the next steps in creating new and healthier coping mechanisms.
No, your therapist does not think that you’re all crazy. Keep in mind that, if we are doing our job well, the therapist and client are discovering important aspects of the client’s life and mind. This usually means that we are getting a glimpse into the honest reality of what is happening within your family system and within your relationship. And one thing that we all know is that normal does not exist. This, by the way, is always done within the context of confidentiality, a core value of the counseling relationship.
Another important thing to realize is that, as a therapist seeing an individual client, I am aware that I am only getting the side of the story that is being told from the lens of the person sitting in front of me. That does not mean that the person is misleading or over exaggerating in any way. It just means that the story is being told from their perspective and likely no one else’s. Because of this dynamic, a therapy session does not seek to change individuals who are not present in the room. That is an impossible mission and, frankly, would be unfair for the person who is not there to speak from their own unique perspective.
Instead, as opposed to seeking to change you, your family member is likely learning to be a better spouse, parent, child, and/or sibling during their time in therapy.
Even still, you may have uncomfortable feelings about your family member seeking help outside of your relationship. I get it. It is common. But I also often find that family members who were initially uncomfortable with the idea, at some point, start to see positive changes in their loved one that inspires them to seek therapy themselves. That, or a request for a couple or family session is made. This is a testament to the idea that therapy does not seek to place blame on our loved ones, to amplify what is wrong and bad in our relationships, or to make us feel that we are better off without them around. Instead, there is personal growth that gives us the ability to show up in healthier ways for those around us. In the case that your loved one is in therapy because they have been hurt by you, it is likely they are cultivating new ways to express their emotions and needs in a healthy way that reduces stress in your relationship. It is also likely that they are seeking to better understand you in a way that garners empathy and forgiveness for the fact that you are also a flawed human… like the rest of us.
With all of that said, how can you support a loved one that has recently started their therapeutic journey? Instead of requesting that they talk to you about their problems instead of a therapist, let them know that you understand therapy can be hard and you are also there to support them if they need to talk about anything that has come up. You may be tempted to ask, “What did you talk about in therapy?” or “Did you talk about me in there?” Instead, feel free to check in with them by asking how they are feeling that day— after all, a therapy session can be hard work and an emotionally taxing experience for many. Ask what you can do to help and encourage them to practice implementing healthy coping mechanisms and communication skills learned in therapy in your relationship with one another. Who knows, you may learn something that you can take to your other relationships too!
To learn more about the services we offer here at Relationship Enrichment Center, click here.
Melanie Marky