Halloween is Also My Sobriety Date

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays because it is the sobriety date of my parents as well as my own.

I distinctly remember being at a Halloween party with many people yet I can’t remember any of their faces or names. I was standing out on a deck and there were all kinds of shenanigans going on around me. People were laughing, whooping and hollering and I remember feeling completely alone even though there were probably 50 people at this party. I remember taking a beer and standing on the deck contemplating, really wondering whether or not I could drink the beer and forget myself, yet again. That had become what happened to me when I drank, and it was a built-in excuse for not having to own whatever would come next. I made the decision that night to not drink the beer and to leave the party. I don’t recall saying goodbye to anyone or anyone noticing that I was leaving. It was that night that I truly believed the line in chapter 5 of how it works that says, “the only desire for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking”.

I consider myself fortunate in that stopping drinking wasn’t difficult, I had had enough. Working the steps however, was very difficult. I did not know that my drinking was adding to my inability to connect with myself, to others or to live in congruence.

Alcohol and medicating made it easy to say one thing and do another and blame any consequences of my drinking on alcohol.

I also remember going to meetings in the beginning of my sobriety and doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I distinctly recall after about six weeks in my new routine being able to wake up in the morning and not be flooded with anxiety about my behavior or trying to remember the current lie that I was living. I also remember hearing the birds chirping as if I’ve never heard them before. It was like my nervous system was starting to come online and the feeling of not being in trouble, or not having done something the night before for which I felt ashamed and embarrassed was phenomenal.

What I know today is that 12 step recovery and not drinking alcohol was the beginning of learning how to be in relationship, with myself and others. It’s my opinion that the difference between a functional family and a dysfunctional family boils down to whether or not one can take ownership and responsibility for their actions. When I medicated my feelings I quickly dropped into being a victim and blaming people places and things to justify my behavior.

When I am walking out recovery and owning my part of what is happening I’m much more likely to live in ownership, which informs connection.

It seems so simple and yet it’s so difficult at times. I believe that a part of being in a functional family means that I have skills tools and support for how to respond whereas in a dysfunctional family I react by numbing.

I have the great honor today of helping others as they learn to live without numbing, and teach connection over isolation. And celebrating the anniversary of where this all began is how and why I love Halloween. I thank you God for the gift of sobriety and for my parents leading the way.

Trusting the process,

Sheila Maitland