Cultivating emotional safety, connection, and a plan for your sobriety during the holiday season

When I think back to my first holiday in sobriety it was extremely difficult. From the outside looking in, I was by all appearances ready to join the festivities, but inside I was not ready. I was still very much conflicted with myself, and I had a lot of shame. I felt stuck on how to be myself. All this bubbled together and I realized that facing strangers on the street was a lot easier for me than intimate gatherings with loved ones, where in my mind I was supposed to suddenly be cured and acting a certain way.

I chose not to attend my first thanksgiving in sobriety. For my recovery, it was the best thing I could do at the time. It was difficult to explain that decision to others because the language did not exist to describe the reason why I was choosing not to spend time with loved ones and family. It is only through a lot of reflection that I have realized that my choice to not join Thanksgiving that year was not about others and what they could or could not do to protect my sobriety.

It was about me.

It was a decision based solely on me, which yes could be considered a selfish decision. However, I ultimately know now that I made the right decision. I had to trust the process and learn new ways to connect in order to create safety and connect with others in a way that would not jeopardize my recovery.

Connections with people I love are the most important aspect to my sense of safety, and therefore pose the biggest threat to my sense of safety. I know that can be a morbid way to look at it! However, it allowed me to understand why holidays can be so risky for me. The ability for me to have an authentic connection when I was in active addiction was not possible. When I decided to not attend Thanksgiving, I was just starting to rebuild those connections and the thought of losing them posed a threat to my sense of safety in this new way of life. All I could feel was fear. I was not necessarily afraid of drinking alcohol, but afraid of the ability to connect.

Having connections with loved ones is very valuable to me. The holidays are notorious for bringing stress and expectations which in turn can pose a threat to connections. I needed to create enough safety for myself and build enough resilience in order to feel secure enough to face the holidays in a way that I did not feel my sense of safety was at risk. That thanksgiving I built resiliency by putting my recovery first.

 A month later by Christmas I felt ready to attend. Overall, it was a wonderful time with family and friends, however I was grateful for solidifying my program of recovery to keep me connected. I remember that Christmas a distant family member came up to me and said: “Oh, I once had a friend who went to rehab.” My stomach sank and I remember thinking… I am that person who people tip toe around not knowing what to say. I had planned to go to a meeting that night and when I did I was able to share my experience with others. I was then able to laugh about it in a room full of strangers and hear similar stories from others. During that meeting, the stories from others and the similar comments they have heard made me realize how well intentioned that family member was, and I felt connected to this room full of people.

That feeling of connection stayed with me and carried me through the next day.

I was building resiliency. I know by nature I internalize things. During the holidays it is important for me to plan ahead for times when I internalize well intentioned comments. I don’t always have a meeting to go to and instead will have a close friend to call or text about things. Having someone else’s perspective and understanding has always been helpful to me during the holidays. 

It is possible to “survive” the holidays. Often you may not even realize you are already preparing yourself for holidays and protecting your sobriety already. You may be doing this by being open and honest with someone else and working a program of recovery. Below is a list of tips to prepare yourself for this holiday season!

Tips for the holiday season:

Keep Self Care Going: During a time of year that is very focused on giving to others it can be difficult to take care of yourself. It is important to keep your routine of caring for yourself in place. This is not the time to skimp on sleep or missing meals. It is a time to reach out for support.  If you plan to give more, do not cut back on what you are doing for yourself. Instead, increase what you are doing for yourself.

Bring your own drink: If you are not ready to tell others you are refraining from substances or even if you are and just don’t want to make a big deal out of it, come prepared with your own drink in your hand. It is rare to find me without a sparkling beverage of some kind, so when someone asks me if I want a drink, I have a quick response ready: “No thanks, already got one!”

Always have an exit plan: Always have a way to leave. The best suggestion I was given early was to drive yourself places. That way you have a way to get home whenever you are ready to go and are not dependent on others!  

Plan: Let a friend know about your plans and ask them if they are available to talk if needed. Even if you don’t foresee anything being triggering it is nice to have someone who has been through this as well. I have a good friend who I always let know when I have something big planned. I cannot tell you how many times just knowing I have her to call if needed has made me feel connected and safe!

If you are needing and/or wanting support in maintaining your sobriety during the holiday season, please reach out today to schedule an appointment. You can also learn more about our anxiety counseling and depression treatment services here at Relationship Enrichment Center by clicking on the respective link.

With gratitude,

Emily Nelson-Floyd