Family Therapy
“In healthy families, the parents are there to meet the emotional needs of the children. In dysfunctional families, the children are there to meet the emotional needs of the parents.” Virginia Satir
In helping individuals in their own recovery, and or couples that are trying to lead their family in a healthier direction, this statement illuminates where some wounding may have taken place, or where some healing can still take place.
Covert incest, also known as emotional incest, is when a parent talks to their child the same way they would talk to their adult partner. A mom might confide in her 13 yr old son or daughter the way she would talk to her partner or girlfriend. This can be extremely confusing to the children, especially if the mom talks about their dad in a less than glowing way. Sometimes this can be presented to the child as, “You’re the only one who understands me, you’re my support system and you are so wise beyond your years.” Or, “You’ll never treat your future wife the way your dad treats me because you’re so sensitive.”
To the child, this can often feel like a promotion, or praise, yet it’s so confusing to them. This informs and teaches many things to the child such as:
1.) Don’t talk about one’s problems, except in the family. The focus that the mom doesn’t have a support system never comes to light, and often, there’s a sense of shame for the child to hear derogatory information about their dad. It’s unlikely that the child would talk to one of their friends about what’s happening, especially since it’s framed as being helpful to the mom.
2.) Collude and talk about one another, rather than having an honest discussion with the other. In this example, the kids are not seeing their mom or dad having honest communication between each other and the child often gets inducted or feels responsible for checking in with their mom. They may also be asked or take in upon themselves to be the go between, trying to talk to their dad on behalf of their mom. Dad might blow up and further shame the child, blaming them rather than going to his wife. Or, the dad might do exactly what mom is doing, and also confide in the child. This becomes crazy making for the children and they naturally try to take care of their parents and family, rather than focusing on their own life and development.
Why does this happen? Parents who engage in covert incest often don’t realize that what they are doing is harmful and problematic. Each family is system is unique, and parents may display emotional incest for different reasons. Parents are often more likely to engage in covert incest when:
They have experienced emotional incest themselves.
They lack healthy role models or information on how to parent a child in a healthy way.
Parents are divorced. Single-parent and stepparent families are at greater risk for emotional incest.
One parent suffers with mental illness or addiction.
Fortunately, hope and healing is possible. When I talk about this subject with my clients that are parents, they often worry that they’ve emotionally invested their children, or crossed that line before looking at their own story, to see if this was done to them. Both paths are necessary for healing, and starting to unpack the content of one’s own story is often a way to know how, when ready, to make amends to their own children.
Therapy is an excellent way to start the journey of healing. In addition to working with a licensed therapist, the following practices and strategies can be helpful for those who have experienced emotional incest:
Journaling
Using creative outlets like art, music, or dance
Participating in physical activity like walking, or running
Practicing mindfulness, yoga or meditation
Joining a support group
Taking care of your body by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep
If this speaks to you and if we can be of any assistance, please reach out. We are here to help, educate and heal. You can learn more about trauma counseling at Relationship Enrichment Center by clicking here.
Most Sincerely,
Sheila