Family of Choice
Many years ago & when I first got into recovery, I was introduced to the term, Family of Choice. It was presented as being distinctly different than the family I was born into, and that there are specific criteria for members of a Family of Choice. Conceptually, I had no reference point. Yet seeing it play out was profound and life changing.
I was at Onsite workshops, back when it was in the Black Hills, of South Dakota, watching a family reconstruction facilitated by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruise. A family reconstruction is an all day event where one person’s story is played out over a whole day, and the audience participates through observation, role play and feedback. It’s a reparative experience full of rich wisdom and recovery. When the day begins for the client or star, it starts with the Family of Choice. By definition this is a group of 6-8 people that are not related by blood or marriage, are free of medicators, (numbing agents) they consistently do what they say they’re going to do, they speak in the “I” rather than “you” and are willing to hear the truth, and or say the truth. Here’s a breakdown of each one of these criteria.
6-8 people not related by blood or marriage: When I first heard 6-8 people that are not part of my family, I could only count 1 or 2 people in my life that I felt close to. The idea about not having biological family in the circle speaks to emotional safety. Sometimes family members are on a similar journey, and are incredibly safe. However, more often than not, family members failed at being the people that were supposed to provide protection and safety and continue to be emotionally unsafe.
Free from Medicators: This means that closeness and connection felt with Family of Choice is not as a result of being inebriated or high. Friends in a Family of Choice can drink, and or shop like crazy, but it’s not the point of connection, or necessary in order to have an honest conversation. In other words, I’m not going to have several glasses of wine before I tell my Family of Choice friend that I feel hurt and unimportant when she forgets to invite me to her birthday celebration.
They consistently do what they say they’re going to do: This criteria is so simple and often missed. This is where the Family of Choice friend’s words and actions are congruent. If they say they’re going to meet at 3:00 for coffee, they consistently show up. This is not a rigid guideline, and doesn’t mean that there isn’t grace if running late, or a child is sick. What clarifies this guideline is that the truth is told on both sides. If the agreement is that we’re meeting at 3:00 and something comes up, there’s truth in what is being said…I just got some bad news from the Dr or I just had a disagreement with my partner and I don’t believe I would be good company as opposed to I think I might have a fever, or I just have too much to do today.
Speak in the “I” rather than “you”. So often when using the word “you” in communication, it comes out as advice. “You oughta tell the coach to treat your son better” is a gross violation of speaking in the “I”. It would be better tolerated and might feel supportive if it came out like, “Wow, that sounds hard. When I was going through that, we talked to our son to find out how he felt about it. We also talked to each other about how to proceed and ….” Most people don’t want advice, especially unsolicited advice. So often people simply want to be seen and heard, not told what they ought to do.
Being able to say the truth and hear the truth. With Family of Choice friends, there is a spoken understanding that the relationship is valuable to both parties and that when there is concern for or about the other, both people agree to hear and consider what the other is saying. This might be where one person tells the other that they’re concerned about the other’s health, or concerned about a relationship they seem to be obsessing about. Or it could sound like, “Sheila, you asked me to help hold you accountable to your food plan, and it appears you are making many hurtful choices. Are you open to talk about this?” A hard conversation, and a worthy risk to take as it is within the agreement, loving and invitational.
All of these things done with intention, not perfection, create emotional connection and safety that is incredibly joyful and satisfying.
Recently, I had the opportunity to be a part of a group of mothers and daughters who went to Morocco for 7 days and it was glorious. The leader of the group is my dear friend and Family of Choice sister Jody, of Jodycrosstherapy.com. She founded and owns Epona Retreats and has been taking groups of people on exquisite retreats for many years, and she relies on these principles. Inviting people into these concepts is a beautiful pathway to connection, and bringing people together without any guidelines is often the path to disconnection.
If any of this resonates with you, or you would like to learn more about a Family of Choice, please reach out. You can also learn more about anxiety counseling at Relationship Enrichment Center by clicking here.
Warmest Regards,
Sheila
