Control & Surrender

To Let Go Takes Love - Surrender

  • To surrender means not to be protective of others.It's to let our loved ones face their own reality.

  • To surrender means to stop trying to control others.It's to use my energy to become what I dream I can be.

  • To surrender is not to regret the past.It's to grow and live for the future.

  • To surrender is to stop denying.It's to become more accepting of reality.

  • To surrender does not mean to stop caring.It means I can't do it for someone else.

  • To surrender means I cannot enable any longer.It means I have to allow others to feel their own consequences.

  • To surrender means to stop being in the middle of the arranging of events.It's to allow others to impact their happenings.

  • To surrender is to be unwilling to adjust my schedule to everyone else's.It's to take full responsibility for me.

  • To surrender is to fear less and give up guilt and inadequacy.It's to love and accept both myself and others more.

(http://www.minnesotarecovery.info/aca/surrender.htm)

ACA and my recovery has taught me how the concepts of powerlessness, unmanageability, and an external locus of control have showed up in my life and in my relationships. I often work with clients who are seeking therapy because their lives feel so unmanageable, a feeling I am very familiar with. My clients often report that they haven’t been doing anything different and/or circumstances haven’t changed, and all of a sudden they can’t focus, can’t get out of bed, have difficulty completing work tasks, have low energy, low motivation, don’t find joy in the things they once did, etc. This sounds and can look a lot like depression and throughout my clinical assessment, I am helping my clients understand what might be contributing to these feelings of depression. 

A symptom of codependency is having an external locus of control; meaning that an individual spends most of their time, energy, and/or resources trying to control something or someone that they do not have control or power over.

For instance, this might be trying to control a loved one’s substance use, trying in various ways to make an emotionally unavailable person be emotionally present, adapting to different environments (like a chameleon) to be what other people need one to be. When someone is living with an external locus of control, they are often leaving it to someone else to meet their needs for them. “If you’re happy, I’m happy”. “My life would be perfect, if only my wife would stop drinking”. “I don’t want to be a lawyer, but if I graduate from law school, my mom and dad will be so proud of me and will finally love and accept me”. When we are living outside of ourselves, we hand all of our power over to other people.

When one begins to focus on the things they do have control over and surrender the things they do not have control over they take their power back and their lives become more manageable! Said another way, when someone begins to meet their own emotional needs for themselves, and stops relying on other people to meet those needs for them, they begin to feel fulfilled, energized, happy, and satisfied with their life and their relationships. When we begin to live our lives the way we want to, rather than how someone else wants us to, we have the opportunity to experience joy, happiness, and freedom. 

What I do have control over:

  • Being who I am 

  • Loving myself

  • Feeling my feelings

  • Following my dreams

  • How I spend my time

  • Who I spend my time with

  • My reactions to other people

  • How I treat people

  • Owning my judgments 

What I do not have control over:

  • How other people perceive me

  • Other people’s behaviors, actions, choices

  • How other people treat me

  • Judgements of others

  • If other people like/love me

  • How other people spend their time

  • Other people’s feelings

If this is resonating with you, please reach out to schedule an appointment. You can also click here to learn more about depression treatment at Relationship Enrichment Center. You deserve to live a life full of love, joy, and happiness!

With love,

Chelsie Ciminelli