Connection

What does it mean to feel connected to someone else? How do I know if I have a deep connection with another person? These are questions I have asked myself in the past after recognizing that many of my relationships were positive, and yet I didn’t feel close to anyone. At times, it felt like I could be in a room full of people who loved me and cared about me, and still felt like nobody could really see me. My clients often experience something very similar to my own experiences with connection and I’ve heard varying degrees of the same story: I have everything I need and more, and yet I’m not happy. I am always looking for the next thing and hoping that it’s going to be the key to finally unlocking my happiness. Without connection to self or other people, one might experience anxiety or depression.

In my previous blog post, Inner Child , I shared about the inner self and how we become disconnected from this part of ourselves. To create a picture of what this looks like, I envision my adult self and my inner child in a room standing on complete opposite ends of the room. In this picture, there is a lot of space between us. It’s hard to hear my inner child communicating to me, and she can’t hear me trying to connect with her either because there is so much space between us. For so long, I didn’t know that this space even existed, so I thought it was someone else’s responsibility to give me what I needed. I looked to other people to give me the love, support, validation, and acknowledgement that I needed, and yet it was never enough. It was never enough because my inner child didn’t need any of those from other people, she needed love, support, validation, and acknowledgement from me. 

So, the answer to the questions I was asking myself is: connection with myself. In order to feel connected to someone else, I first need to be connected to myself. I need to have a deep connection with myself first in order to have a deep connection with someone else. When I am connected to me, I am listening to my body and responding to the cues and signals it is sending me. Some days, this means setting a boundary with myself to take a break from work to eat lunch. Other days, being in tune with myself looks like setting aside house work to take a nap while my children are napping because I’m exhausted. This often looks like reminding my inner child that she is good enough and responding to her in a kind, loving, compassionate way rather than with harsh, critical, perfectionistic language. 

I used to hate being asked questions like “What is your favorite movie?” “What is your favorite food?” “What would be your dream vacation?” because I really didn’t know the answers to these questions. I didn’t know the answers because I didn’t know myself enough, I wasn’t connected to myself and couldn’t know what I really like and don’t like. My husband reminds me often that when we first met, I told him that I liked scary movies. What I believe happened is that I knew he liked them, so I decided to like them too. However, as I am more connected to myself, I’ve realized that I really don’t enjoy most scary movies! 

When we’re trying to find happiness, we often look externally for this. For example, once I’m married, I will be happy….once I have a child I will be happy...when I’m able to afford my dream house, car, vacation etc. I will be happy...when I land my dream job I will be happy. True happiness can’t come from something outside of ourselves. It’s not my partner’s responsibility or my children’s responsibility to make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness and that is the internal work.

Healing the relationship with myself, treating my inner child with kindness and compassion, and living an authentic life is what will bring happiness.  When I have a connection with myself, it’s no longer the “things” or my external world that bring me joy and happiness, it’s my relationship with myself that brings me happiness. 

There is now much less space between me and my inner child in that room, and we can hear and see each other. In my own journey, I am learning who my authentic self is and being confident in that person and it’s because of the connection with me that I am able to do that. I have experienced a deeper connection with my husband, children, family, and friends as a result of this work as well. 

If you are looking to create a deeper connection with yourself and in your relationships, please reach out for support. 

With love, 

Chelsie Ciminelli, LCSWA