Change is scary!

“I am powerless over people, places, things and change, and my life has become unmanageable.” 

I used to think that I liked change and even said that I was addicted to excitement. Often I would misunderstand chaos and craziness and think it was change and excitement. Whether it’s change in the universe, the world, the climate, or the changes in my own much smaller world; My business, my home, my relationships, my health, I am powerless over most things. Where I grow as a human being is knowing the difference between what I can change and what I cannot change.

I was introduced to 12 step recovery at age 16. I would borrow my dad‘s car and stop at Dunkin’ Donuts and scarf down several gooey delights before walking into an over eaters anonymous meeting. This is analogous with drinking a six pack before going into an AA meeting or popping a Xanax before walking into an NA meeting or maybe reaching out to a discreet liaison on Facebook before walking into an SAA meeting. I needed a big dose of anesthesia before listening to people talk about their feelings, experience strength and hope. I would read through the 12 steps, while medicated, and think the steps were simple. I was searching for something to chew on, (no pun intended), that was more complex. When I break this down what I was really struggling with then, and still struggle with today is the notion of powerlessness.

At 24 I found my way into Alcoholics Anonymous. I was ready and found the black and white aspect of drinking or not drinking much easier to navigate than my relationship with food. I could easily see the destructive pattern of alcohol in my life. I could hear all of my negative consequences crazy boyfriends and dramatic situations where the common denominator was alcohol. I was very fortunate to experience recovery back then as a loving and gentle place to land.

In early recovery I was introduced to a new language, the language of feelings. I had no idea how to articulate anger or sadness without making somebody else responsible, defensive & undeniably wrong. Nor did I know how to express anything without feeling wrong and bad myself. And the concept of vulnerability had been trained out of me as a little one. We didn’t exactly know how to share feelings in my family. We had an external focus or an external locus of control. We were expected to scan the room and try to attend to others needs, negating what was happening for ourselves. In essence we looked good on the outside and struggled with knowing and communicating what was happening on the inside. It’s such a perfect breeding ground for medicating the feelings on the inside hence the overeating, over functioning, over drinking etc. etc.

Recovery today is a balance between the external focus and the internal focus. The internal focus or relationship with and to myself is just as important if not more important than the external relationship. If I don’t know how I feel or what I need how can I possibly expect my partner to understand or be able to give me what I’m longing for. When I say vague things like “I just need you to support me” and yet can’t provide a single example of what support would look like, we’re both in a quandary.

If any of this is speaking to you and/or you would like to have a relationship with yourself and let that guide how you show up in all of your relationships, then finding your inner guide, inner child is for you. Reach out, we are here to help. So many resources for this type of work and include all 12 step recovery programs.

You can learn more about our anxiety counseling, trauma counseling, and depression treatment services by clicking these links.

Trusting the Process,

Sheila Maitland, LCMHCS, CSAT