Therapist’s Guide to Deeper Connections
I’ll never forget the first time I truly saw my own attachment patterns playing out in real time. It was a seemingly small moment—waiting for a text back, feeling that familiar pit in my stomach, and immediately assuming the worst. My rational brain knew there was no real danger, but my nervous system was screaming, “You’re being abandoned!”
Have you ever wondered why you crave closeness in relationships, while someone else might seem distant and emotionally unavailable? Or why some people seem naturally secure in love, while others struggle with trust and fear of abandonment? One of the most eye-opening realizations in therapy is understanding how our early experiences shape the way we love, trust, and connect with others. This is the heart of attachment theory, which explains why some people feel secure in relationships while others struggle with anxiety, avoidance, or a push-pull dynamic of both.
The good news? No matter what your attachment style is, you can move toward healthier, more fulfilling connections. Let’s dive into what attachment styles are, how they show up in relationships, and how we can begin healing old patterns.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our earliest bonds with caregivers set the foundation for how we relate to others throughout life. While these patterns start in childhood, they often follow us into adulthood—impacting not just romantic relationships but friendships, family dynamics, work relationships, and even our relationship with ourselves!
Most people fall into one of four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Let’s explore each one.
1. Secure Attachment: Feeling Safe in Connection
People with a secure attachment style generally had caregivers who were emotionally available, consistent, and attuned to their needs. As a result, they tend to feel comfortable with both closeness and independence in relationships.
Signs of a secure attachment:
You trust your partner and feel safe in relationships.
You can express emotions and needs without fear of rejection.
You navigate conflict with open communication rather than shutting down or lashing out.
If this sounds like you, that’s great! But if it doesn’t—don’t worry. Many of us start elsewhere and work toward secure attachment over time.
2. Anxious Attachment: Craving Closeness, Fearing Abandonment
Anxious attachment often develops when caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes loving and available, other times distant or unresponsive. This can lead to deep-seated fears of abandonment, whether physical or emotional, and a tendency to seek constant reassurance in relationships.
Signs of an anxious attachment:
You need frequent reassurance from your partner.
You overanalyze your partner’s words and actions.
You fear abandonment, even in stable relationships.
3. Avoidant Attachment: The Fear of Dependence
Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers were emotionally unavailable or discouraged too much dependence. As a result, people with this attachment style often feel safest when they don’t have to rely on others.
I often work with clients who say, I don’t like feeling “needy.” But here’s the thing—having needs isn’t the problem. Avoidant attachment makes it hard to trust that others want to meet those needs. Healing means learning that closeness doesn’t have to mean losing yourself.
Signs of an avoidant attachment:
You feel uncomfortable with deep emotional intimacy.
You value independence over connection.
You withdraw or shut down during conflict.
4. Disorganized Attachment: Longing for Connection, Fearing It Too
Disorganized attachment is a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. It often develops from early experiences that were both loving and frightening—perhaps a caregiver who was both a source of comfort and distress. This creates an internal conflict: I want closeness, but I don’t trust it.
Signs of a disorganized attachment:
You feel both drawn to and afraid of intimacy.
Your relationships are marked by intense emotional highs and lows.
You struggle with trust, even when you deeply crave connection.
Healing this attachment style can take time, but it is absolutely possible. With the right support, you can begin to untangle old fears and develop a new sense of safety in relationships.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
If you recognize yourself in any of these insecure attachment styles, please know this: your attachment style is not a life sentence—it’s simply a pattern, and patterns can change.
Here’s where healing begins:
Self-awareness: Noticing when old fears or habits surface in relationships.
Therapy: Working with a therapist can help unpack and rewire attachment wounds.
Mindfulness: Learning to pause before reacting from a place of fear or insecurity.
Healthy relationships: Surrounding yourself with people who provide safe, consistent connection.
Understanding your attachment style can unlock deeper self-awareness and improve the way you connect with yourself and others. No matter where you are on your journey, know that growth is possible, and secure attachment can be nurtured over time.
Are you curious about your attachment style? Start by reflecting on your relationship patterns. The more you understand yourself, the better you can create fulfilling, healthy relationships with yourself and others.
Abby Biehl, LCMHCA