The Language(s) of Love

It’s the season of LOVE! Truly, shouldn’t all seasons be a time to cultivate love and make meaningful deposits into your relationship banks? The more often we make meaningful ‘deposits’ into our relationship love bank (ie, moments of connection, feeling seen, heard, loved), the less impactful it can feel when withdrawals (ie, conflict, moments of disconnection or distraction) inevitably occur. Knowing more about how you and your partner feel love can help bring feelings of love, appreciation, and connection to everyday life- rather than just big or special occasions. 

Have you ever stopped to think about how you project or communicate love in your relationships? Most often, we give love in a way that we prefer to receive love- I love to be held and hugged so therefore I will show my partner love through physical affection like hand holding or snuggling on the couch. Like many, I was taught to treat others as I want to be treated. So, this makes sense! However, this logic doesn’t account for differences in how my partner prefers to be treated…which can often differ from how I prefer to be treated. Or, said another way, how I interpret displays of love, appreciation, and affection may differ from how my partner interprets displays of love, appreciation, and affection. When this conflict presents, I or my partner may be left feeling unseen, unheard, unappreciated, or even unloved. Strong relationships are able to speak love in a way that their partner will best understand and receive it. 

In relationship, taking time to explore both your and your partner’s love language (how you receive love, appreciation, and affection) can move you toward new levels of emotional intimacy and connection.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages is an easy and accessible place to begin learning more about how you best receive messages of love. Below is a summary of the 5 Love Languages, according to Chapman, and how that may look in relationship. Are you and your partner looking for a fun way to invest in your relationship? Here is a free quiz to determine each of your love languages: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes. 

Words of Affirmation

Do handwritten notes or spoken compliments make you swoon? Well, this may be your primary love language. Gratitude, encouragement, and affection communicated through spoken and written word are how you feel loved. If this is your partner’s predominant love language- consider sending a spontaneous text in the middle of the day to let them know you are thinking of them and offer compliments and encouragement often.

Physical Touch

Touch isn’t just for the bedroom! This language is less about sexual touch (though that is important, too), and more about everyday physical connection. Do you look forward to reconnecting after a long day with a hug and a kiss? Or perhaps holding hands in the car when you are out running errands? Physical touch can be a powerful and direct way to feel safe and connected to your partner. If this is your partner’s predominant love language- try offering hugs, kisses, and brief moments of physical connection throughout the day. 

Receiving Gifts

This love language can be easily misunderstood. For those who identify with this love language, it is not just about the gift. It is about what went into the gift. The saying is true- it’s the thought that matters! What the gift happens to be is secondary to the fact that your partner took the time to think about you and prioritize your likes or needs when selecting the item. If this is your partner’s predominant love language- pay attention to things they mention they like or would be interested in, make a wish list in your phone so you can easily refer to it during gift-giving moments, bring them a cup of coffee or tea, pick up dinner on your way home. Remember, it’s not about extravagance but about thoughtfulness. 

Quality Time

Time spent together fills your love cup! True quality time, with meaningful conversation, eye-contact, and without distractions or interruptions defines this love language. Whether that time is spent doing something (ie, a date night or going for a walk) or just relaxing on the couch and catching up on your days- intentional time spent sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner is how you feel most connected in your relationship. If this is your partner’s predominant love language- practice offering your undivided attention to them when they share about their day (I know, this can be easier said than done!) or perhaps suggest a hobby or activity the two of you can engage in together. When they are sharing, show curiosity and empathy; ask follow-up questions and validate their experiences. Similar to gift giving, what you do while connecting with your partner is less important than the intentionality behind cultivating quality time for the two of you. 

Acts of Service

For those who identify with this love language, knowing that your partner is truly your partner in life is critical to feeling love and connection. When your partner actively seeks out a way to lighten your daily load (ie, picking up dinner on the way home, household chores, running errands) it shows you that your partner sees your efforts, appreciates you, and wants to share the burden of daily tasks. If this is your partner’s predominant love language- let them hear you say “I’ll help you…” or “I can do this…”. Be sure to follow through on what you say you will help complete, this builds trust and connection within the relationship. When able, be proactive with an act of service; breakfast in bed or completing a task/chore before seeing that your partner may struggling to complete it themselves. 

I hope these brief descriptions help you to begin considering your own love language. In relationship, we don’t need to speak the same language- most often, this is not the case- we just need to be open to knowing how our partner hears, sees, and feels loved. Consider taking the 5 Love Languages quiz to learn more about your own love language as well as your partners. Then, share the results over dinner or while out for a walk. This investment into your relationship love bank will surely yield meaningful returns.

With love and gratitude, 

Therese