Emotional Processing in Relationships

Have you ever been in the middle of a fight or argument with someone, maybe a spouse/partner, friend, parent, sibling, and thought to yourself, “How did we even get here?” 

Me too. 

Many times I have asked myself, “Why am I even so __________ (mad, sad, scared, disappointed, hurt, frustrated) about this right now?” When we begin to understand how our nervous system works, we can understand our emotional responses with much more clarity. 

There are three main states our nervous system can be in: ventral vagal (feeling safe, connected, able to experience joy and happiness), sympathetic (fight or flight), and dorsal vagal (freeze). Each person has a window of tolerance where they are able to manage the stress they experience appropriately. When a person is no longer able to manage the stress they are experiencing, their nervous system will shift into either the sympathetic or dorsal vagal state. 

So, how does this play out in relationships?

The relationships we had in childhood and adolescence created a template for us and informs how we show up with other people in our relationships today. It is common for individuals to have experiences as children that are left unprocessed and these unprocessed emotions, experiences, thoughts, feelings, and/or beliefs stay stored in the body, often causing our bodies (our nervous system) to become dysregulated. 

Chronic nervous dysregulation can affect one's life in many different ways such as feeling out of control and overwhelmed, inability to maintain relational connection, heightened stress responses, somatic symptoms possibly leading to chronic pain/illness, loss of sense of self and purpose, inability to focus and make decisions, and feeling stuck in anxiety or feeling shut down.

Here is an example: When I was in elementary school I had a teacher who was harsh, critical, and held unrealistic expectations for behavior and performance. When I went to school every day, I was anxious and fearful, I was worried about what my teacher would say to me each day, and I felt like I was on the verge of tears most days. In this experience, I was outside of my window of tolerance; I was using up all of the resources I had to manage the stress of this situation, and my nervous system shifted into a sympathetic state. My nervous system perceived my teacher as being unsafe. 

Today, when I perceive my husband as speaking to me in a harsh or critical way, my body remembers these unprocessed emotions and responds in the same way that it did to my teacher– I often become hypervigilant, defensive, anxious, worried, and panicked. My body takes over and I react to a perceived feeling of being unsafe. I want to note here that my husband may not actually be speaking to me harshly or critically, and because my nervous system is primed for this type of communication, I hear his words and tone of voice through this lens. At times, it can actually feel like we are speaking two different languages! 

As you might be imagining, this can create some confusion in relationships. When one or both individuals in a relationship have unprocessed emotions or unhealed wounding, they can unintentionally trigger one another’s “back story”. 

When I learn how to regulate my own nervous system, I have more capacity to stay connected to myself and others, and respond to my external world rather than react from a perceived state of danger. 

Stay tuned for my next post, which will outline a few simple ways to bring regulation back to your nervous system! And if this is ringing true for you too, please reach out for support. We are here to help you learn how to regulate your body, so you can experience healthy relationships with yourself and others.

 Chelsie Ciminelli, LCSWA