Boundaries

Does convenience or circumstances dictate my boundaries, or do my boundaries dictate my circumstances?

This was such a pivotal question that a therapist once asked me. I had no idea that it would be turning point in my own recovery. 

This was when I was in my early 20’s and the topic was whether or not to move in with a boyfriend. I was wanting this guy to like me, I wanted him to be impressed that I owned my own home, and I thought I was incredibly independent. I remember us getting to the part where we were considering moving in together…and since I owned my home, the most logical decision was for him to move in with me. 

I brought the idea to my therapist, and shared the best part of this idea which was that he would help me with the mortgage, and he was being kicked out of his current living situation. I didn’t have many details about his current living situation, and didn’t believe I had a right to ask. I was not telling my therapist how much I cared for this person, or that I felt ready to take the next step in commitment, (I had this so mixed up!) I was trying to help him out and thereby help myself out as my house payment was a big deal. I thought I was killing two birds with one stone. This is when the therapist asked me, “Are your circumstances dictating your boundaries, or are your boundaries dictating your circumstances?” 

Many more questions were asked in that therapy session and I got very clear that I didn’t particularly like this person. I discussed this with my sponsor, some of my recovery friends and I realized I didn’t understand what a boundary was used for. I thought it was a psychobabble term.

I had no idea that a boundary was a form of protection, for me and my inner child, my spirit and or my innocence.

Prior to discussing this with my therapist and recovery friends, I felt a sense of obligation, and had no clue as to how to consider myself at least as valuable as the other person. It was my mom that reminded me that ‘Love thy Neighbor as Thyself’ also meant ‘love myself at least as much as I love my neighbor.’ While I had heard these words and could even quote this commandment, I didn’t  understand the meaning as it applied to myself.  

Fortunately, I did not let the guy move in and, we broke up. I can also say that I did not need him to help me with my mortgage. I was able to step further into my self care and make better choices, especially with boundaries. This was a result of several steps that became specific. More than anything, I started sharing honestly with safe people, like a therapist, sponsor and or recovery friends. I began considering myself or my little girl to be at least as worthy as my neighbor. And finally, I began conceptualizing how to protect and or care for myself as the basis of my boundaries, not trying to make something convenient for something or someone else. 

Trusting the Process,

Sheila