What is Recovery?

When people used to ask me “What does being in recovery mean?” I would answer “it means you’re sober.” But after much more life experience and years in the field, I learned that recovery is not the same as stopping a substance or behavior that’s causing some interference in your life. That’s abstinence. Abstinence is amazing, hard, and sometimes 100% necessary for recovery. But one can be in recovery from many things that don’t allow for 100% abstinence, and recovery means so much more than abstinence.

Some examples of things that don’t always allow for abstinence include: disordered eating, sex, people pleasing and codependency, and numbing out with shopping, emotions, and busyness.  Someone can be 100% sober from alcohol, but if one is in recovery from growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family and their understanding of how to “do” relationships with others is impaired-they can’t stay away from people for the rest of their life. If one is in recovery from orthorexia (https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/other/orthorexia), they can’t stay away from food the rest of their lives. Hopefully you get the picture. Thinking that abstinence = recovery can also be faulty thinking of those who try to stop using substances. I’ve witnessed many relapses from someone trying to stay sober occur because something is missing in their recovery program or they don’t have one because they think that being in recovery simply means being sober. 

Human beings can get “addicted” to all sorts of things: doing for others, perfectionism, alcohol, compulsive sexual behavior, self-harm (usually people mean cutting themselves when they reference this but I could do a whole blog about the ways we self-harm ourselves that have nothing to do with skin deep cuts), certain emotions like anger and stress, shopping, exercise, power/control, the list goes on…

So, if recovery isn’t just being abstinent, what is it?

First off- recovery looks different for everyone. I’ll share what I have seen in my work over the years and what has been true for me. 

Being in recovery means being authentic- a true self emerges that has needs, desires, likes and dislikes, values, and principles. This true self is honored in recovery, sometimes at the risk of being disliked, questioned, or misunderstood by others. 

Recovery is a healing of past trauma that causes dis-ease, anxiety, depression, insomnia, body aches, and so much else. 

Recovery is a conscious, ongoing choice of what we consume- it can mean reading books, listening to podcasts, journaling, reflection, prayer, meditation, and going on retreats. 

Recovery is a cultivation of a support network of emotionally safe people. In recovery people in your life get to earn the right to hear and be with you. In recovery there is discernment about who is safe to talk to and who makes us feel like crap or betrays our trust. This support network gets cultivated by going to support meetings, group therapy, trying new hobbies and meeting new people, repairing wounded relationships, and paring away relationships that harm you. Recovery means the vulnerability to be truly seen by others.

Recovery is sometimes going to treatment, therapy, trying medications, learning new skills, and new ways of thinking and communicating. Recovery is sometimes having to quit or change your job, take time off work, and say no to family and friends. 

Recovery is commitment to self, others, and often a Higher Power. 

Recovery doesn’t fit into a box and only get applied to the problem behavior. When people are actively pursuing recovery, it seeps into all corners of their lives. People going to Al-Anon meetings learn they can’t control their loved one and stop trying to exert control at work, with friends, or a romantic partner. When someone stops obsessing over food and allowing it to control 90% of their day and thoughts, they find an entire blank canvas of life waiting to be filled with hobbies and connection. When someone in a 12-step program completes a 9th step of making amends for their past behavior, they learn the necessity of accountability and forgiveness that can’t help but be applied to other areas of their lives. When people stop numbing out with busyness, drama, shopping, anger, alcohol, etc., there is an awakening of emotions and a welcoming to your body that you may have never felt before. One gets to experience what it means to be fully alive. 

Recovery is hard. Recovery isn’t always miracles, and a “life beyond one’s wildest dreams.” But I can almost promise you- if you stay in recovery, one day you will look around and be in awe of the life you have cultivated. 

On the journey with you, 

Jessica Evans, LCSW, LCAS