What Exactly Is Codependency?

Here are a couple of definitions of codependency that hopefully will help make this more clear. Codependency is when ones insides and outsides do not match up. Another definition is needlessness, or “I’ll do it my damn self” because no one can do it as well as I can. Another definition is micromanaging and over functioning with another person or other people in general. This is an external focus, or locus of control. The root of codependency is dishonesty.

One doesn’t speak the truth because…it will hurt the other one’s feelings, or because it would be too vulnerable to tell the truth or because…”If I tell the truth, you won’t like me.”

Often this starts out in kindness. Here’s a classic example:

She: What do you want for dinner?

He: Anything that you’re making…

She: No really, what do you want tonight? 

He: I could pick something up on my way home, Chinese?

She: Not Chinese, it makes me bloated.

He: I don’t know what you want from me? 

This can go on and on, and what’s not being said is this:

She: Honey, I would really like it if you would be willing to figure out dinner tonight. I don’t want the responsibility of figuring it out. I’m open to anything you’re willing to fix or pick up except Chinese food. Would you be willing to own dinner tonight? 

Where does codependency come from? When a person is born into a family that has emotional intelligence, the parents are there to meet the needs of the children. If the child is crying the parent tends to the child’s emotional needs. They’re able to help the child by affirming the feeling, providing comfort and helping the child find a solution. In a dysfunctional family, the children are there to meet the emotional needs of the parents.

In this family when a child is crying the parents get upset with the child or shuts down the child’s tears and sadness by having their needs override the child’s.

This can be done where the parent gets bigger emotionally, or withdraws all affection, leaving the child feeling responsible for the parent. Often the child redirects and tries to please the parents. If it’s unsafe for the child to feel their feelings because the parent will get upset they quickly learn to focus on managing the parents feelings rather than being able to express and resolve and be affirmed for their own feelings. 

When this child continues to evolve, they quickly learn to meet the needs of others by trying to please their friends at school or trying to please their teacher. They are often focused on what they can do for others which is also very kind and part of the golden rule. Yet when this is at the expense or consequence of themselves, they develop a pattern of not knowing how they feel or what they need. These are the people who when asked how they feel, they start to talk about their spouse, their child or their friend. They often know what others need and try to accommodate for the other person yet have an utter lack of awareness, vocabulary and or experience of being able to articulate what they need themselves.

When treating Codependency I like to ask my clients to color themselves in. Sometimes I will invite them to be an “apology restriction,” or refrain from using the word “you,” or ask them to eliminate the word “why” from their vocabulary. When clients focus on those three assignments they very quickly begin using the word “I” rather than the word “You, or why.” They also realize they’ve been apologizing for things for which they are not responsible. 

Working with clients to unpack their backstory and create compassion for how and why they were trained to be externally focused creates a relationship with oneself.

This is not about bashing parents or blaming anyone for wrongdoing, it’s about discovering one’s truth about one’s own story.

It’s from this place of compassion that clients are able to have more capacity as well as permission to not fix, micromanage, or over function with the people that they love and instead allow room for some freedom and or spontaneity. This is obviously a process for which there is so much support and literature available through 12 step recovery, podcasts, treatment centers here in Charlotte like the Blanchard Institute and the Dilworth Center. In addition, one’s individual therapist, family and or a group therapist are excellent resources to learn more about codependency and how to recover from it. If this is making sense to you and or you’d like more information please reach out because you are worth it and you are not alone!

Sheila Maitland, LCMHCS, CSAT