I am the peeled orange who discovers that the skin no longer fits. I’ve expanded and grown and I need a new and different coat. This is how I felt this morning when I woke from a dream.

I’m at a familiar campfire that has been a favorite destination, and has been food for my soul for many years. In the dream the camp director apologizes to the community and then looks directly at me and says there is no more food or comfort here for you. You need to move on and find a new camp. Then the dream switches and I’m in a cabin with one of my longtime mentors from the camp and I tell her what the camp director said. I’m crying and she looks at me sadly and replies, “I think your message applies to many of us.” Later we’re in the cafeteria and many of the campers are hungry. They are met with disrespect and rudeness from the kitchen staff and when only a few campers were left in the dining hall the camp director walks in and has tears in his eyes. He cannot believe that there’s no food in the kitchen. He humbly apologizes to me and the campers, and then fires the kitchen staff on the spot. It’s here that I wake from the dream in curiosity, along with some clarity and more grief. I have no doubt this dream is about change, and my difficulty to accept change. When I’m comfortable in my life I actually have the delusion that I’m in control or at least in control of some things. I make comments after a dream like this like “I don’t recall signing up for a significant shift in my life and who can I call to ask for a refund?”

Change seems to be the equalizer and or humanizer of my life experiences.

For as long as I can remember I believed I would have at least two children. I was utterly shocked and dismayed when I could not have a second baby. My husband and I tried for seven years and I was so unwilling to accept that I wasn’t in control. I became obsessed and tried every possible option before accepting the diagnosis of secondary infertility, or in other words God‘s will for our life, from my life. And while I still sometimes dream about having another baby, I experience these dreams as a metaphor for so many wonderful births and new beginnings over the last 20 years.

Going back to the dream about the camp, with the grief and the amends I find great comfort in my circle of support. I have a place to go to process, to get fed and to feed. I’m grateful that I have a faith in a Higher power who reminds me that I’m never alone. I’m also reminded that my source comes from my higher power and not from any particular camp director. And for this I’m truly grateful.

The Acceptance Prayer

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. [Acceptance Passage - Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict Chapter - page 449 of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous (Third Edition)]

Sheila Maitland, LCMHCS, CSAT