Talking to: Your children about mental health

Children learn about themselves and the world around them by observing and imitating the adults they are surrounded by. When parents talk openly and honestly about their own mental health and normalize this conversation, children can learn from a very young age that it is okay to talk about their mental health and well being without feeling ashamed of themselves. It is important, then, for parents to model what it means to talk about mental health in order to normalize this conversation. 

Mental health is an ongoing conversation. I say that because as a recovering perfectionist, I get nervous about saying things perfectly, as if I only have one chance to say everything that’s on my mind in the exact way I have rehearsed it in my head. Just as we are modeling to our children that it’s okay to talk about mental health, this is a beautiful example of an opportunity to model that it’s okay to make mistakes. So, permission to not get it perfect and continue to learn as you and your child(ren) communicate more and more together about mental health.

A few things to remember when talking about mental health with your children:

Validate their feelings and experiences: As parents, we have a very different perspective on life because, well, we are in a different stage of life. It doesn’t really matter if we agree or disagree with how our child(ren) perceive their experiences. What matters is that we validate their feelings and experiences so they feel heard and understood. 

Here is an example of language that is invalidating when a child is scared/anxious: “There is nothing to be scared of! Go play with the other kids!” This kind of communication can actually lead to increased anxiety, even though it’s well intentioned on the parent’s part.  It would be more productive to say something like, “It’s okay to feel nervous, I am right here with you. You can play when you feel ready”. This will help to lower anxiety because your child feels heard and validated and they are more likely to go play, knowing they are supported in their feelings. 

Use age appropriate language: Developmentally, teenagers and young adults are going to understand much more and will be able to talk about mental health in greater detail than a child who is preschool or school aged. 

Talking to a young child might sound like: “When I started my new job, I was really scared on the first day because I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t know what I was going to be asked to do. I had a funny feeling in my tummy, my heart was pounding, my hands were shaking, and I had a headache on that first day. It’s your first day of school (or other situations that make your child anxious) today, are you feeling any of those things too?”

Talking to a teenager might sound like: “It seems like you haven’t been hanging out with your friends as much and have been spending more time alone in your bedroom than you usually do. One of the signs of depression is isolation and I’ve noticed a few other changes in your behavior. I'm worried that you might be experiencing some depression. How can I help you?”

Have conversations when you and your child(ren) feel emotionally safe: Having a conversation right before bed or as your child is walking out the door to go to school might not be the best time to talk to them about mental health. Talking about mental health can be hard and at times uncomfortable, so talking with them when we have an opportunity to follow up with them after the conversation and continue to support them is helpful. 

I am also thinking about the acronym HALT here: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If I am feeling even one of these, I won’t be at my full emotional capacity to have a conversation about a vulnerable topic, such as mental health. If my child is also feeling one of these, he/she won’t be in a place to talk about their mental health either. Making sure all of my needs are met and checking in on my child’s needs is another way of ensuring emotional safety. 

Offer your child(ren) the chance to ask all questions they may have: As I reflect back on my own childhood and adolescence, I can remember that my emotions were all over the place. At times, it felt like I was the only one who felt so confused about what was happening inside my body. I didn’t know that it was okay to ask questions, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have known what questions to ask. Encouraging your child(ren) to ask questions can help them process their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. 

Talk with your child(ren) in a straightforward manner: Dealing with a mental illness or trying to manage overwhelmingly big feelings is complicated as it is. When parents try to talk around the subject of mental health or talk in code, it can make a child feel confused, embarrassed, shameful, or misunderstood. It’s also important for parents to have some awareness of when their child is in need of professional help and communicate this clearly to them. This might sound like: “I know you are having a hard time managing all that you are going through and I think it will be really helpful to talk to a therapist. A therapist will be able to help us understand how best to support you and help you to feel your very best.

A few other things to keep in mind:

Young children learn a great deal when parents read to them. I like using books about feelings to help my 3-year old learn about his feelings and it also gives me an opportunity to model and normalize by sharing times when I have felt angry, sad, happy, surprised, brave, scared, etc. 

I will also add that teenagers tend to be more open, honest, and vulnerable in their communication when they are talking while doing something else. For example, talking while riding in the car, cooking, playing sports outside, or walking are all great ways to encourage your teen to talk. 

If we can support you in any way in learning more about how to talk with your child(ren) about mental health, please reach out, we are here to help!

Chelsie Ciminelli, LCSW-A