How Do I Reach My Goals?
It’s January and I am willing to bet you have a few resolutions or goals you’ve set for yourself. For a deeper dive into why intentions matter when setting goals, check out Chelsie’s blog here https://www.relationshipenrichmentcenter.com/blog/2020/goals-vs-intentions-is-there-room-for-both
Often my clients come to me saying they are desperate to make some changes in their life, but they have struggled to remain consistent or motivated. How does consistency and motivation happen? What determines how likely someone is to reach their goals?
One important aspect of motivation and consistency is becoming aware of which ego state we are operating from when we are trying to reach our goals.
What do I mean by an ego state? An ego state is simply the way we are feeling, thinking, and behaving in the world and in relationships. By relationships I mean the ones you have with others but also the one you have with yourself. There are three ego states- child, parent, and adult.
When I am operating from my child ego state, the world can seem like it is out of my control and there is always someone or some circumstance other than myself who is responsible. This gives me an easy out, and lasting change doesn’t happen because there is no one holding me accountable. I may revert to feeling victimized by the world, and like “nothing matters anyway” or “it’s not my fault.”
When I am operating from my parent ego state, I am critical of myself, I bark orders, tell myself what I should be doing, and shame myself. Shaming results in short term behavioral change, but I have yet to see it translate to long term, sustainable change in my own life or in any of my clients’ lives. Both my child and critical parent ego state tend to view life as “all or nothing” and might sound something like “she ALWAYS gets what she wants, I NEVER catch a break, I need to workout for two hours, 7 days a week.”
When I am operating from my adult ego state, I remember my intentions and the choices I have. I have love and respect for myself rather than shame, disgust, or blame. Operating from my adult ego state allows me to take a more middle ground approach while also holding boundaries with myself- without the shaming statements. This might sound something like “I don’t feel like doing laundry tonight, but I really wanted to stay more on top of my chores this week. I’ll throw one load in and see how I feel about doing more after that. I will ask my partner if they are willing to help.”
It may seem paradoxical that the loving, gentler way of talking to myself and holding myself accountable would be the way I have built long term habits.
But, I’ve tried operating from the child ego state and I felt more shame because I got more of the same results and even further from my goals. Because I wasn’t taking ownership, I felt like life was out of my hands and therefore my goals were out of reach. I have also tried the harsh, judgmental way of operating from my critical parent ego state and that too left me resenting my goals and feeling worse when I didn’t reach them. The only way I have gotten closer to my goals is by operating from my adult self- the loving one that holds boundaries, remembers my choices, and takes ownership and responsibility for my actions. Below I give some examples of how it may sound inside your head when you’re operating from each ego state.
Scenario
You set a goal to make dinner more often, but you’ve had a long day at work and you’re tired.
Child Ego State
I don’t wanna make dinner, I’m so tired, this is so unfair I have NO time for ANYTHING I want to do because of this stupid job. I’m ordering take-out.
Critical Parent Ego State
Are you kidding me? You need to make dinner tonight, stop being so lazy and just get up and do it. Everyone else can hold a full time job and cook dinners.
Adult Ego State
I set a goal to make more dinners at home because I want to save money for my trip. If I make a simple dinner it will take 15 minutes and I will have leftovers ready for lunch tomorrow. That will allow me to rest on my lunch break instead of stressing over leaving the office to get food. I have 15 minutes tonight, I could make a one pot meal I saw online.
Scenario
You set a goal to engage in some movement 4x a times a week but after work you’re feeling too tired.
Child Ego State
I’m TIRED, I’m just going to lay here on my phone because I deserve it. If my job wasn’t so hard I’d have more energy. It’s not fair other people don’t have to exercise and they look good!
Critical Parent Ego State
Exercise is one hour out of your 24 hours a day! You’re way too young to be tired, get up and go! Your pants look awful on you. NO PAIN NO GAIN! Your brother doesn’t make these excuses and look at him!
Adult Ego State
It’s ok if I can’t exercise for an hour, I’ll take a walk for 20 minutes and if that’s all I have in me today, that is enough. Small choices each day are better than big changes that are forced.
Scenario
A person in your life who you have had continuous conflict with sends you a rude text
Child Ego State
I’m going to text her back that she’s a jerk and needs to get over herself. She deserves it!
Critical Parent Ego State
Grow up, it’s not a big deal she talks to you like this, you should grow a thicker skin. This is why you have no friends. Get over it.
Adult Ego State
I am not going to answer that. I am going to journal for 10 minutes and call a friend instead of reaching out to her. I don’t have to stay in this dynamic with her.
To learn more about these dynamics and how to step into your “adult”, give us a call at The Relationship Enrichment Center. We would love to support you in getting closer to your goals in 2021!
Leaning in,
Jessica Evans, LCSW, LCAS