Body Image and Emotional Coping

For as long as I can remember, I have used food as a coping mechanism for ALL emotions. If I felt sad, I reached for something sweet; if I felt lonely, I reached for something sweet; if I was happy or proud of myself for accomplishing something, I celebrated with food. I started working in a chocolate factory when I was 15 years old and although I loved this job for a lot of reasons, it was probably one of the worst jobs I could have had as it relates to my body image and numbing behaviors. I had full access to my favorite numbing vice (chocolate and ice cream) at all times, and the cycle that ensued was very unhealthy. 

Then the depression kicked in, and I hated myself for not having the willpower to refrain from eating again.

I would lie to myself and deny that I was addicted to food, specifically sugar. I told myself over and over again that I could go to work and not eat anything that was coming off of the product line and day in and day out I caved every time. While I was indulging in whatever goodness was being made that day, it was great. My dopamine levels soared and I was happy for a minute. Then the shame and guilt kicked in almost immediately. The negative self-talk and harmful words I said to myself quickly took over the fleeting happy feeling I had for a moment. Then the depression kicked in, and I hated myself for not having the willpower to refrain from eating again. Next came the punishing exercise. I will never forget feeling so sick to my stomach for eating as much as I did and trying to run as many miles as I physically could to burn off the calories I had just consumed. If my pants felt tighter the next morning when I was getting dressed for work, I instantly wanted to crawl back in bed and hide. I would pick apart every last detail of my body if I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror.

I was caught in a vicious cycle that started over and over again every day. I woke up every morning making a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to do it again, and when I couldn’t keep that promise I felt an overwhelming sense of shame because there had to be something wrong with me. My husband didn’t have this problem with food, my friends didn’t have this problem, so why did I? 

When I stopped working at the chocolate factory I thought I could finally break free from this horrible cycle that consumed all my thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, that was not the case and although the cycles weren’t as intense or as often, I still overate and punished myself with exercise. I began to improve my relationship with food little by little and broke free of the vicious cycle I was caught in by focusing on my physical health. I am now in recovery and find myself back in this cycle at times; I am accepting that I will probably struggle with my body image and relationship with food in some way or another for the rest of my life. However, I know I am not alone and this has been comforting beyond belief. To learn more about recovery from disordered eating or making peace with your body, please reach out to the Relationship Enrichment Center for support.

Chelsie Ciminelli, LCSW-A