As a Professional Counselor for 20 plus years and as a married woman for almost 20 years, I truly believe it takes more than love to make a marriage work. In fact, by the time couples show up in my office it sometimes seems to be an after thought or something long forgotten. Couples are often so hurt or so entrenched with being right that they have lost the essence of who they are and who their partner is. I believe that we’re designed to see the flaws and shortcomings in our partner more easily than focusing on our own flaws and shortcomings.

Two Right Sized Individuals required for a Healthy Coupleship!

When couples come in for therapy, obvious maladies such as drinking, drugging, financial infidelity, affairs and porn need to be identified and confronted. When couples come to “improve their communication” and their medicating with alcohol does not surface, it is impossible for the couple to achieve any honesty and safety in their communication, therefore near impossible for them to achieve their goal.I liken this to someone showing up in the ER with their arm nearly severed from the shoulder, yet concerned about the gash on their foot. The consequences of medicating substances and behaviors usually include lies, pain, anger, betrayal & hurt. The consequences may involve other people, financial loss, public embarrassment and or loss of self respect. Confronting any one of these maladies is a huge undertaking when it’s done by an individual. It becomes even more complicated in coupleship where the lines are blurry regarding ownership and blame.

While each couples’ experience of the process differs there are a few steps that seem to be universal.

The couple needs to decide what kind of relationship they want. If they want more than friendship or a roommate relationship there needs to be a commitment to doing their own individual work, which then allows room for emotional access and intimacy. This is where one needs to assess the role of major mediators, both substances and behaviors and decide if this is a source of the disconnection.
The couple needs to determine what comes between them or what blocks them from having the relationship they want.
The couple needs to define the trust and safety to their relationship. If one partner believes they can continue to lie about an emotional affair or doesn’t believe that the friendship they’re having at work with a member of the opposite sex isn’t problematic despite their spouse feeling threatened, and communicating their concern, there is a violation of trust and safety.
The couple must commit to a process for conflict resolution. When they can move through their conflict, this strengthens their confidence and emotional resiliency. They must identify how to set themselves up for success by agreeing on a place, with limited distractions, for a set amount of time, where neither partner is hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (HALT). When the environment is intentionally set, An example of a process might be:
1. Try to resolve this on their own
2. If they’re unable to resolve the issue, each person asks 3 of their mentors or support people (same sex) and report back within 48 hours. With this new information if they’re still unable to resolve then
3. Enlist the help of a therapist, minister, or mentor couple.

The couple needs to continue to do activities and spend time together that promotes their emotional connectedness. Some of these activities might include a weekly date night, reading a meditation together each day, taking a class together, joining a couples’ home team at their church or committing to pleasurable time together each week other than running errands.

When a couple is struggling, one of them has to acknowledge there is a problem, and then try some new behavior. Over the years the top tools that have done more for my own coupleship than any other are prayer, 12 step recovery and the ability to check in with a sponsor or accountability person, the “do over” and expression gratitude. Each one of these has had a remarkable impact on me and my husband, and they have brought us closer together.

When either one of us has the wisdom to ask God for help, we are on the right track for getting back to our baseline harmony. Praying before a business meeting or any financial discussion has been very helpful. Praying before a trip or a sporting event with our son has been profound. Having the reminder that I’m not in charge and that God is puts things in perspective. The tool of sponsorship in 12 step recovery or checking in with an accountability person simply means checking in with someone (other than ourselves) who models a healthy relationship. The intent is to gain perspective on our situation or specifically, my part of the situation and it helps to regulate emotions. The “do over” is simply that, a do over. When one of us recognizes that we are going down the “emotional suck hole” and calls for a do over, it gives us the chance to literally start the conversation all over again. This tool often surprises me. When I call a do over, take a deep breath to regulate myself, and simply say hello to my husband, look in his eyes and ask how he’s doing, the entire mood changes from stressed to relaxed and curious. Which leads to the final tool of expressing gratitude. When we express gratitude about what is good and what works rather than the contrary, we get along better and feel better. This is a practice not intended to deny difficulty of struggle in the relationship but intended to account for the good and functional parts of what we are doing. This tool brings balance and appreciation to the work we put in to our togetherness.

“It takes more than love to make a marriage work!”

Having a structure for when we struggle has saved us from a marriage of despair and divorce. By no means do we do it perfectly. We get angry with each other and there are moments when we don’t get along, yet those moments no longer last for weeks and months. Instead, they last for hours and sometimes a day or two. We both rely on our individual circle of support, couples support and go to therapy when either one of us requests it. We also share our in a faith that is life-giving. We have benefited from the tools we’ve learned through 12 step recovery, many hours of couples counseling and Onsite Workshops, a place where individuals and couples go to learn a new way of doing things when their current way doesn’t work. It is through all of these endeavors that I truly believe it takes more than love to make a marriage work.