What to Expect in Couples Therapy
Early in my career, I had the honor and privilege to be trained by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, a famous author, therapist, and the Founder of Onsite Workshops. She was trained by Virginia Satir, nick named "Mother of Family Therapy” who did groundbreaking work with family therapy. In one of Sharon’s lectures about coupleship, I remember her saying so simply,
”helpful couples therapy, in a matter of two or three sessions, should be able to identify what each individual is bringing to the relationship that needs individual healing.”
In other words, in a few sessions the dysfunction that each individual brings to the relationship from their family of origin and or life before they ever met their partner, will be brought into the light. The light shines on what’s not working. This becomes the obvious material that each individual takes into their individual therapy. As the material or baggage gets worked on individually and historically, each person begins to show up in the coupleship with more capacity.
Here’s an example, the client Pat comes in guilty of dishonesty. Pat’s been dishonest since the first grade when he started lying about homework. The partner Alex comes to the relationship guilty of being super controlling. Alex has been controlling since the early years when Alex learned how to cover for her dysfunctional and unavailable mom. Pat omits the truth to avoid Alexes’ questioning. Alex micro managers and asks lots and lots of questions of Pat in an effort to maintain some sense of control. The result is these two feeling polarized in their communication and feeling unseen and unheard by their partner.
In couples therapy at REC, it would be recommended that Pat work on the relationship with himself, learning to be honest with himself. He would experience accountability with his therapist, his group therapy if possible, & his 12 step recovery. For Alex, it would be recommended that she begin individual therapy to work on creating more safety for herself so she could begin letting go of control. Her individual therapist would help hold her accountable along with a women’s group and possibly a 12 step group.
The result of Pat and Alex doing this work individually is showing up with more capacity in their coupleship. Another way of saying this is the couple would be willing to experience more vulnerability. In their couples therapy, they would learn the art and skill of speaking in the “I” as opposed to the “you.” asking for what each of them need, and refraining from weaponization. These three skills change how people talk with one another. When a person learns how to speak in the “I” as opposed to the “you” and learns how to make more statements rather than asking questions, they wind up coloring themselves in and sharing more from their heart.
Effective couples work includes individual therapy, and the ability to soften when polarized. The emphasis is, “How can I take one step closer to my partner?” rather than one step farther away.
The people I work with in couples therapy are experts at doing things by themselves or in isolation. What I teach and what we practice in couples therapy is doing their relationship in connection. Many people need assistance in knowing how to do this as this was not modeled to them in their Family of Origin.
If any of this speaks to you I hope you’ll reach out to the Relationship Enrichment Center. It really is possible to experience more love, joy, and connection in all your relationships.
Trusting the Process,
Sheila