Talking to: Your Partner About Mental Health
In an effort to demystify and break down some of the barriers of mental illness and how to talk about it, I first want to share some examples that don’t work.
Walking into a situation that is triggering to you, and you’re not aware of how upset you are and you say to your partner, “What are you doing? Are you crazy?” In fact, any situation where you are asking your partner why they did something or telling them that anyone who does what they just did is crazy, absolutely falls in the category of unhelpful and or not the way to talk to your partner about a concern.
I cannot count the number of times I have worked with adults and couples where their partner has implied/accused or labeled the other one as crazy. That is the farthest thing from helpful or talking honestly about a concern.
Sometimes becoming clear about what not to do helps clarify what to do. When you get angry with your loved one or when you are afraid and you don’t realize it, you often say things that are more provoking rather than productive. You don’t know how to slow things down and walk be side your partner.
The struggle lies with separating out who is your partner and who is the mental illness, depression or anxiety. Often we assign choice, as though our partner chooses their malady. And then when you get afraid or angry, the melt down occurs.
Let’s address the stigma of mental illness by comparing a mental illness with a physical illness.
If your partner had diabetes or cancer, you would use all your powers of persuasion to support and encourage your partner to get the best care available.
You would be empathetic, caring and would take time away from work and go with them to their appointments. And yet when your partner’s words and actions are incongruent, or think that your partner is “acting crazy” you often begin to react rather than respond. Instead of supporting them you also begin to act crazy, and lose your ability to be calm and supportive.
So what specifically should you say if you’re worried about your partner and their mental health? You would want to gather your thoughts and write them down so that you can be clear and concise. You would want to express concern and say something like:
It would mean a lot to me if you would speak to your physician about this.
It would mean a lot to me if you would make an appointment with a therapist to talk about the possibility that you might be depressed or anxious.
You would also want to be clear about not retaliating (reacting) if your partner says something provoking in return, “Who do you think you are? You’re the one that sits up all night and worries about such and such…”
Rather than defending yourself and going down a rabbit hole getting nowhere, it would be an opportunity to return to what you had written down and be reminded that you’re trying to talk to your partner because you’re concerned. Maybe it would be wise for you to get some support as well. Communicating the willingness to partner in this rather than fight and point fingers about this is incredibly helpful. You can completely love your person and not trust their mental illness. If your partner says to you, “I’m fine, why won’t you trust me on this?”
You could say in return, “I trust you but I do not trust your depression/mental illness/periods of behavior that seems so out of character with the person I love, know and I’m married to.”
Even though it’s a terrifying process for many people to actually talk about their feelings, their moods and what’s happening for them, the irony is that people die from not talking about it. Let me say that another way, hearing people have such regret for not asking or commenting on what they’re noticing in their partner I believe causes way more angst and pain than trying to bring it up. I would rather be wrong… risk sharing my concern than not sharing it and having a tragic consequence. Teaching people how to use their words and let go of the need to do it perfectly is an accomplishment in and of itself. Being right instead of being able to talk with curiosity and learning how to make a request. Maybe there could be a grey area between my way and their way.
In bringing up the conversation and your partner isn’t willing to do anything at this moment, maybe there’s an agreement you could make if/when this should happen again. “It sounds like you believe everything is OK right now, yet if you miss another day of work would you be willing to go and get an assessment?” Or, “I’m hearing you say that you’ve got this handled today, what consequence would have to happen for you to be willing to ask for help?” Being able to help hold your partner accountable rather than having the conversation turn into a disagreement is progress.
Another angle to this that can be so helpful is when you go and get your own mental health support, your partner is so much more willing to try and get some help. Where you lead by example, they will follow. If this resonates with you and/or if we can be of any assistance please reach out. Together we can do what I could never do alone.
Sheila Maitland, LCMHCS, CSAT