Judging Doesn't Work in Relationship

In my work as a psychotherapist, I often ask people what they need in order to feel emotionally safe. Most people haven’t ever been asked this question or ever thought much about it. Sometimes people will say that in order to feel safe they need there to be “no judgment”, which I believe is an impossibility. 

Instead of no judgement, I like to teach my clients how to own their judgments. Talking about judgments in “I statements” rather than “you statements” makes all the difference between a connected evening at home or a polarized evening in opposite corners of the house. For instance, when one person says, “You should go to church on Sunday, you haven’t been in ages” or “this looks better and you should wear this rather than that” or “your office is a pigpen and you should clean it up,” these are examples of judgements and or “you statements.”

Communicating this way is emotionally unsafe. It’s unsafe because there is no ownership when one judges. When that same person learns to include themselves in the communication, it becomes safe again. For instance, “I’m struggling about not having been to church in ages. I would like to go on Sunday and would you care to join me?” Or, “Are you open to some feedback about the dress code tonight?” And “I feel disrespected when it seems as if I’m the only one cleaning the house...could we talk about this?” 

Another way to own judgments and own an assumption is to use the sentence stem “...the story I’m making up is…”.

Here’s a true example of what happens at my house sometimes. After working all day and seeing my husband sitting on the couch, I sometimes get judgy and make assumptions. When I use the sentence stem where I’m owning my judgement and assumption, it sounds like this. “Hi, the story I am making up is that you’ve been sitting on the couch doing nothing all day and now you’re expecting me to make dinner,” which really is a story. Fortunately, my husband and I have some experience with this type of language, and it actually joins us rather than polarizes us, for this is not the truth. 

When people are able to own the truth about what they are making up, and it’s safe enough to share their truth, clients can often de-escalate or even laugh at how ridiculous the judgement really is and come together relationally.

If you’re struggling with communication in your relationships and or you’re seeking emotional safety with your communication, please reach out. We can help!

Sheila Maitland, LCMHCS, CSAT